


too little too late isn't that just great

by KatnissPotter1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, lots of lousy eye descriptions, not much else actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-12
Updated: 2014-03-12
Packaged: 2018-01-15 12:22:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1304749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatnissPotter1/pseuds/KatnissPotter1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's rain and there's a beautiful boy with eyes like the sea and Harry keeps track of everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	too little too late isn't that just great

Sometimes life is hard. 

You don't always get told that. Usually it smacks you in the face with the force of a falling weight and leaves sticky marks on your soul. Sometimes, if you're rather unlucky, it'll sneak up on you from underneath your bed and leave icky marks on your shoulders from it's talons and whisper in your ear that you mean nothing. That you're not worth anything. That no one will ever love you as much as you hate yourself. 

There's a boy in the library every lunchtime with beautiful curls and sad eyes. This is Harry. He has a journal, and when you see him writing feverishly, you assume. You assume that he's drawing something crude. You assume he's writing a last minute assignment. But you never assume that he's keeping track of his calories. 

You watch him leave the library, and you don't notice how he shivers when he does. You don't notice the fact that he keeps having to pull up his jeans. You don't notice how tiny his wrists seem, like a baby bird. You don't notice him at all because despite what he sees, he's about as big around as a stick. 

It's raining when the beautiful tiny boy finally leaves the school. He thinks that's funny. It's funny that he has to walk home and he's had a hard enough day as it is without having to stumble around blindly. 

Harry usually keeps track of everything, and he's not sure how the weather escaped his notice this morning. 

Harry doesn't know when he started recording things. But in his room, his only place of solace, he has thousands upon thousands of old journals that he never lets anyone throw out. In them, he has recorded his life. Places he wants to visit and trips he wants to embark on and celebrities he wants to be and things he wants to attempt and books he's read and movies he loved and all of the food that he'll never eat. 

Harry does remember when he decided to stop eating, though. 

He remembers it like it was yesterday. Year Five. What a happy little boy he was. He misses that sometimes, when it's late at night and the monsters in his head have him. He used to be so full of life, so carefree, so willing to please everyone. 

So fat. 

Harry looks at the pictures his mum has saved of him from that time and always winces. He's so fat he wonders how he even managed to walk around. He looks like a little skin colored balloon and he's so proud that he's not that fat anymore. It took lots of hard work, lots of telling himself not to eat that, lots of you don't want to look like a blimp, no, don't eat that piece of pizza, don't do it, you'll be fat and no one will love you. 

Of course, along with being proud that he's not as fat as he was is intermingled with the fact that he's still fat. He knows he is. He shouldn't be able to pinch his tummy and come away with that much in his fingers. 

He tried exercise. He had wonderful arms for a while, but it took a lot of eating to combat all the burning calories and Harry thought that was very counterproductive so he just quit eating altogether and he walks wherever he goes. 

His house is about three miles away from the school, and walking in the rain would take him at least twenty minutes to get there. He wishes he had a friend to talk to so he wouldn't feel so alone and sad. But his only friend is his journal and he doesn't want it to get wet so he walks. 

And he walks. 

By the time he gets out of the school parking lot he doesn't have enough energy to keep going. The rain is making his clothes and his bag heavier. He collapses by the side of the road, exhausted and breathing really hard. 

He hasn't eaten anything but a banana all day (105 calories) and he snuck away during history to jog in place in the bathroom to burn as many of those off as he could. 

The thing is, when Harry eats, he imagines. He imagines that he can feel what he's swallowing being broken down and lumping itself into hard, ugly fat, somewhere along his stomach and his thighs. Most of the time it makes him feel too sick to eat, and he uses that trick a lot. 

But now he almost wishes he'd had a little more. He could burn more calories that way and maybe he wouldn't be so cold out here in the rain, all by himself. 

Harry's spacing out, so he's not really aware of anything until someone waves their hand in his face. He blinks the water off his eyelashes and looks up.

"Christ, kid, are you deaf?" A voice, irritated, above him asks. Harry shakes his head and mumbles out an apology. 

"Well, are you alright? Need a ride?" Harry looks up and is almost shocked by what he sees.

Louis Tomlinson. Everyone knows Louis Tomlinson, even wispy boys like Harry. Openly gay, drama star Louis Tomlinson has been the other object of Harry's journal. If he's not penning his intake, he's writing about him. About how he'll never love Harry until he gets as tiny as possible. About how his eyes remind him of the sea when he's happy, of the rain when he's upset, and storms when he's angry. Electricity-like eyes. 

And he's looking into them as he nods. 

"Yeah. I, um. I need a ride." He reaches a hand up and Louis lifts him so quickly Harry's forehead is nearly launched into his collarbone. 

"Damn! Wasn't expecting that. I thought you'd be heavier." Louis gives Harry a smile and Harry returns it, despite how much he wants to crawl inside the deepest darkest hole on earth and never ever ever come out. 

"What's your name?" Louis inquires. Harry tells him and they get into the car, Harry apologizing for how wet he is. 

"Ah, don't be sorry. She's seen worse, and besides, that's English weather, innit?" Louis gives Harry another smile and the boy is happy he doesn't eat because if he had his stomach would be in a lot more pain. "I'm Louis, by the way." 

"I know." Harry replies, and the sea eyes give him a strange look. 

He sets the car into drive and they go. 

They ride about a mile extra when Harry realizes that Louis doesn't know where he lives. 

"Are you hungry?" Louis asks, taking a left instead of a right, meaning he's heading towards town. Harry shakes his head a little too fast. 

"No. My mum made me a big lunch." The lie tastes foul. 

"Well, I am, so. Do you mind if I get something to eat before I take you home? Sorry." Louis looks apologetic and that's not a good expression for the sea. So Harry waves it off. 

They get to town and Harry can't stand it. There are so many places to eat. An ice cream shop (143), a pizza joint (107 per slice), a McDonald's (683 for the fires and a burger, 400 for the smallest burger alone!). Harry doesn't purge, but he finds himself wanting to. 

"How come I haven't see you around before, Harry?" Louis asks as he pulls into the McDonald's and Harry has to swallow his bile. Just being near enough to smell the grease makes him want to punch that stupid smiling clown face on the poster. 

He has a list of responses ready.  
"I don't have any friends."  
"You don't have any reason to notice a piece of shit like me."  
"How the hell can you not see me, I take up half the hallway!"  
"Uh, duh, it's called blending in."  
"I know. I'm trying to become invisible. Thanks for telling me it's working."  
"Because you're too surrounded by pretty people to notice me." 

"I don't usually talk much." is what Harry pairs with a little shrug. 

"Huh. You ought to, maybe we could be friends." Louis smiles at him, and Harry's not sure when this became a movie because that was definitely not real. "Are you positive you don't want anything to eat? You look like if I gave you a good punch you'd crack right in half." 

Harry swallows more bile and forces a chuckle. "No, I'm alright. Thanks though." 

Louis nods and doesn't press the issue. 

~

When Harry gets home he makes another list. 

'Reasons Why Louis Tomlinson Will Never Love Me. By Harry Styles' is the first thing he writes. He's crying with abandon. His mum won't be home until late so Harry can cry and not eat as much as he wants. 

'1. He's not stupid.  
2\. There are too many people better for him than me.  
3\. He's too pretty and too nice and too everything for someone like me.  
4\. I'm too fucked up for him.  
5\. Being with me would drag him down.  
6\. I'm too fat.  
7\. I'm too fat.  
8\. I'm too fat.  
9\. I'm too fat.  
10\. I'M TOO FAT.  
11\. I'm.  
12\. Too.  
13\. Fat.  
14\. I'm not thin.  
15\. I'M TOO FUCKING FAT' 

~

When Harry sees Louis again, he's alone. 

He's in the library during lunch. 

Harry feels like the world is collapsing in on itself. It has to be. Louis Tomlinson, the somebody, the guy that everybody knows, is never alone. Especially not with nobody's like Harry. He feels sick. He might actually throw up the black coffee (6) he had this morning. 

He's right beside Harry's usual seat, too, and he can't just move from his usual seat just because sea eyes is sitting there, no, that would be letting him have control. Harry doesn't lose control. Ever. 

But just as Louis looks up and actually makes eyes contact with him, Harry's journal falls out of his hands and onto Louis' lap. He can see at the top it says, 'Intake, 01/03/14' and it makes Harry's eyes well up. That had been a very, very bad day. 

Louis' looking down at it curiously before he lifts it and hands it to Harry. 

"Oops." The curly-haired one mumbles. 

"Hi." Louis smiles and pats Harry's seat, as if inviting him to sit. Harry thinks about how weird that is. He's sat there for years, penning his thoughts and his intake, and suddenly Louis acts like it's his and he can just give it away. 

But he sits. 

"What was that?" He asks, pointing to Harry's journal. He must see Harry tense because he quickly says, "You don't have to tell me. I mean, we've only just started being friends and all. No need to get too deep." 

"Friends?" Harry asks, the word foreign in his voice. He usually associates friends with things he doesn't have, like cancer and a good self-esteem. 

"Yeah, friends. It's what they call it when people talk and spend time to together regularly." Louis bumps his shoulder against Harry's, a smirk playing in the corner of his lips. It takes Harry a bit to realize that he's messing with him. 

"I've never had one of those before." He replies, and something in Louis' eyes softens. 

"Well, now we are." 

~

Being friends with Louis Tomlinson has shattered Harry's invisibility cloak. He says hi to him in the hallways. He invites him to come away from the library and sit with him at lunch. Once he even offered for Harry to join him at drama practice. 

It's so surreal. Louis' other friends, or cronies as Louis calls them in private, have started smiling at him or saying hi in the halls too. Harry's so confused by it all. 

But one day, when he's feeling pretty strong about himself, (as in, no food. No coffee. He's eaten nothing all day and he doesn't feel any pain.) he accepts Louis' invite to join him and his friends at lunch. He wants to test himself. He's getting so close to his goal, 90, and he's determined not to accept anything. He's already at 100 pounds. All he needs is to keep feeling strong. 

When Harry says yes, Louis breaks out into this huge grin that makes his eyes crinkle at the sides. Harry has to wrestle down the urge to coo at him. 

"Great! I'll see you again in a few hours, then."

~

Harry would like very much to die when he finally gets to the lunchroom. 

Aside from being surrounded on all sides by food, he's surrounded on all sides by /people/. He can't stand it. He's spent too much time alone, too much time in his empty house and in the library in a secluded table to handle this. 

He's sitting next to Louis and there are too many faces. He can't remember the boy with golden eyes' name. He can't remember who the bloke who laughs at everything is called. He can't remember he can't remember he can't remember he can't he can't he can't. 

And what makes it worse is everyone is offering him their food! It's pizza day, so he's not craving too much anyway (107!!! Per slice!!! Why isn't this universal knowledge!!!!) but he lies and says he simply forgot the money. 

Almost everyone reaches for their pockets when he says that and Harry quickly shakes his head. "No, no, I don't want to be a bother, I won't remember about having to pay you back-"

"So don't. Here." Louis says, pushing the bill towards him. Harry pushes it back. 

"Really, I'm not hungry. I can manage a day without food." 

Whoops. Shouldn't have said that. Something on Louis' face tells him that was very very wrong. 

"Well, if you won't take money, here." And then he receives crisps (150) and a little cake (330!!!) and half a slice of pizza (53.5) and a can of soda (138). It's too much put together, way too much (671.5!!!!) and Harry can't quite take it. 

"I...really, I'm fine. I'll be okay." He tries to give them back their food. He really, really doesn't want to have to run tonight. That's why it was supposed to be strictly nothing today. 

"Go on. At least have the Coke." The boy that has the strange appearance of a small child insists. He's the one that gave him the Coke. Figures. 

"Seriously. I can practically see your ribs." Blond boy says as he takes back Harry's slice. He's met with a withering stare from Louis and he makes an innocent face. 

"What? If he's not going to eat, I will!" Louis rolls his eyes. 

"Come on, Harry." Louis says as the curly boy gives Golden Eyes back his cake. "You have to eat something." 

So finally Harry gives in. He chokes down 288 calories worth just to get them off his back. He doesn't want to come to lunchtime anymore. 

~

Harry spends the night doing as many calories burning exercises as he can. Even after he's sure he's done with the 288, he keeps running. He keeps following the women boxers on the TV. He keeps following all the aerobic exercises until finally he can't take anymore strain and passes out on his bed after a shower, exhausted and weak and dreading the morning. 

He's not eating again for a week.

~

Harry does not come to lunchtime again because this time, his not eating plan will work, goddammit. Louis pesters him and pesters him but finally Harry just claims to have coeliac disease. Luckily, Louis doesn't seem to know very much about it, so he just says he can't eat a lot of food because his small intestine doesn't work as well as it should. 

Thank God he bought it. 

~

As the weeks go on with Harry lessening his intake every single day, to where he gets nothing or 6 calories from black coffee. He exercises so much he's dropped past 90 and made it 88. He figures he can lose just 3 more. 

Louis starts to notice. Not how less he's eating, but how much thinner Harry is. He loves it, Harry does. It means he might be able to love him. Harry might finally be happy. 

Despite always being cold and having to wear a thick jacket all the time, his wrists looking so brittle they could snap, and his body not being able to move for too long without pain in his knees, Harry's doing good. He's finally at his ideal weight.

He's finally good enough. 

~

Louis finds out from Harry's mum that the boy is in the hospital. She said Harry had hearts saved by his name in his phone, so she figured he would want to know. 

Louis goes to visit him every day, even when he has to babysit or there's drama practice. Harry appreciates it. Louis' presence comforts him as he feels like his body is swelling up from everything they're pumping into him. 

"Why wouldn't you just eat, Harry?" Louis whispers while Harry pretends to doze. "Why would you hurt yourself like this?"

'So you would love me.' Harry thinks but doesn't say. 

~

As Harry gets more strength, he has to see a counselor.

Or, well, the counselor has to come see him. He's still stuck in this hospital bed. 

The counselor asks him stupid questions. Things about his mum and his dad and why he feels the way he feels and why didn't he just eat and why would he risk his life and why why why why why wh w

Harry thinks that the counselor should look for the answers to his questions while he's kissing his arse.

~

Louis comes more when he hears that Harry's starting to get better. Talking to him is much better than the stupid counselor. Or even his mum. She just cries a lot.

One time, Harry asked Louis to bring him his journal. He felt up to writing in it that day. So Louis does, and Harry has a weird urge to tell him what's in it.

So he does. He tells Louis about all the crappy poetry, reading a couple that make Louis laugh and tease him. It makes Harry feel good to have someone laugh at him because they thought he was funny. 

Harry tells Louis about all the times he wrote down his intake. He and Louis count together and it's a total of 78 days of Harry eating absolutely nothing and 109 days of Harry eating below 100 calories. Seeing it all totaled up like that makes Harry feel sick, so they change the topic. 

He tells Louis all about how much of a crush he has on him, that he was the object of some of his poems. When Harry tells Louis he was part of the reason Harry was trying so hard to be beautiful, the smaller boy cries. He sits there and he cries. 

Harry knows now that wanting someone to love you and trying to kill yourself are two very different things, even if they are the same. 

~

Steadily, Harry's getting better. He's allowed home now, at least. Louis still comes every day since his mum has to work by the time he gets off school, so Harry very rarely has a moment alone. 

Sometimes, when it gets bad, Harry tries to not eat. But Louis and his mother have learned that he needs at least five minutes of time to calm down before he can eat at all and then they have to coax him through it. 

Harry sometimes wishes Louis wouldn't show up because he can tell that his tears are hurting him. But what he doesn't know won't. 

He's keeping a new journal. Louis gave him a ride and they picked it out together. It's much brighter than his last journal, which was a dull beige. This one is a colorful orange, and it matches his favorite sweater perfectly. He still writes what he feels. He continues his bad poetry. But instead of his intake, he's replaced it with song lyrics and other things that he wants to do. 

Louis takes the journal from Harry sometimes and writes little notes to him. Sometimes Harry will be flipping back to find a poem and he'll read, "I love you so much. Stay strong, okay honey? If you eat as much as you're supposed to I'll come over and we can watch Harry Potter together'. Or he'll be about to write down his intake, just to see how much fatter he's gotten, when he's in a low mood, and he'll see a hastily scribbled smiley face with a word bubble saying, "Hey you! Yeah, you! Harry! Louis loves you!" 

He's really lucky to have him. 

~

When Harry's well enough to go outside without a jacket and without shivering, even when it's raining, Louis invites Golden Eyes, Blond Boy, and Puppy Face out with him and Harry to a pizza place (what was the calorie count again? He can't and doesn't want to remember). He also learns it's Zayn, Niall and Liam. 

They don't ask him for details, they just seem happy for him. When Harry finishes two slices of pizza Louis and Liam cheer for him. Niall claps Harry on the back and Zayn gives him a thumbs up. Harry's really happy that they seem to like him, because he really enjoys having friends. 

After the pizza, they all go to a movie together. Niall and Liam hog the popcorn, but they're careful to offer Harry some or let him have it whenever he asks. Louis likes this both because they're being considerate to his boyfriend and he gets more popcorn that way. 

That's another thing. Harry spent so much time not eating he'd forgotten just how good most food can taste. He's particularly fond of Pringles and ice cream, which is weird because he used to avoid those like the plague. Now they're what he eats most often. 

He's so happy.  
~

When Harry first met Louis, he was a tiny, tiny boy trying desperately to be tinier and to be lovable. 

When Louis finally plucks up the courage to ask Harry to marry him, Harry asks to be in charge of picking the cake. 

And that's that.


End file.
